Nantes / In The Mausoleum

Well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile.
And I'll gamble away my fright.
And I'll gamble away my time.
And in a year, a year or so
This will slip into the sea
Well, it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile

Nobody raise their voices
Just another night in Nantes
Nobody raise their voices
Just another night in Nantes

~Nantes by Beirut

So let's recap the past month.

Debate. A few tournaments happened. Here are the results:
Tabor Venitsky Invitational:
Gold Open Parli Debate (5-1)
Silver Open Parli LD (5-1)

Spring Champs:
3rd Jr. Parli Debate (7-2)
5th Top Speaker
Natalie got Top Speaker here. Just one point separated us.

We have state coming up and then NPDA in Colorado and Phi Rho Pi in Chicago. Should be fun.

School:
Class has been meh. I've been doing so-so, not as good as I want but not terrible either. I'm expecting A's and B's, another under achieving semester.

Work:
Sam quit. We have 2 new people. Kenneth and Jannett. Ken sucks but he's Korean so the owners like him. Jannett is interesting. She goes to Creekside and is a senior. My hours have been heavily cut due to debate and that has hurt me financially. The good thing about moving back home will be all the extra cash and not having to worry about rent.

Sports:
UCLA has been kicking some ass, a few close escapes but then finish the regular season 28-3. Good enough for a #1 spot in March Maddness. Let's go Bruins!

San Jose has been on a roll since the trade deadline winning 9 in a row and taking first place in the pacific. Hopefully they can keep rolling into the play offs like this and bring home a Stanly Cup.

Girls:
I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Things between Elizabeth and I have turned stale. Mostly on her end. I don't really know what else to say about it other than it was fun while it lasted but now this has put me in awkward position. I don't know where to go from here. When I look back at my life and my relationships, I see nothing but colossal failures. Yes, I've had some great memories and every girl I've been with has meant something special to me, but I don't think I can do this any more. My heart is tired and I am worn. I just don't know if I have it in me any more to give my best. I have an extremely high standard for how I should preform in a relationship. I expect the very best from me, yet when I look back, it seems my best just isn't enough to hold a relationship together. Maybe it has to do with the fact that many of my relationships have been some what one sided. In addition when I think of Sandy, I just don't know what to make of that. I though I had done well, but from Amanda's recount it seems I was a monster. When I wake up in the morning and I look at my self in the mirror, I have to ask: Am I the man I think I am, or am I just a facade? My confidence is shaken, no doubt. On the drive home one night from my dads, my dad looked at me and said, "Something has happened to you, your confidence just isn't where it used to be. You just haven't been you since Lori." I keep telling my self that I'm over that chapter and that it doesn't have an effect on me today. But who am I kidding, we are shaped by our experiences yet we can't let our experiences define who we are. We have a chance to react and decide our own fates. I don't know what my next move is now. But I think the best thing is to just sit back and not rush things. I think I just need to find some one who will love me for who I am and what I bring to the table. I just hope I have enough energy for one final shot.

Lori asked me, "Would you take me back?" It's a question that's been posed to me many times the past couple of years. It was different hearing it from her lips. I don't know. But I do know this, if for some reason our paths cross again and that opportunity is there the only thing I will be able to do is look in my heart and see if it will give her a second chance. I know there are a lot of things to consider if that were to happen, our past, what's happened, who we've been with and how we've changed. But with something like this, I don't think I can think about it cause if I do I will simply lose it.

Other random stuff:
I want to post on this more often but I just haven't felt like it. I think it's cause of how I know my friends interpret this. I know people I've known for years laugh at my posts, thinking my emotions are comical and that my thoughts are worthless. It kinda hurt when I found this out but I guess that's what happens when you put your self out there, you have a chance to get hurt. It made me think about how I've treated my friends and their feelings. I've tried to be respectful and helpful, but there have been times when I have been an asshole and said things that were unwarranted. I've always tried to hold the moral high ground, I'm definitely going to put more of an emphassis on keeping my opinions of others to my self. I really don't say much about people behind their backs as I try to be as up front as possible, but there are times when I engage in gossip and it's something I need to stop altogether. If I don't like people talking about me behind my back, then I should not do it to others, period.



Time travels to learn
Your secret life
In your mausoleum

And Berlin
Is so ugly in the morning light
But with them
I could never feel so right

~In The Mausoleum by Beirut