Atlantic
It's been so long, and tin cans and string for years
Is all that we've known, could it be you're really here
'cause my eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me
But things can't be as they seem, I'm so far from home
This must be another dream, but my eyes are open
And everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me
My eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me
~Atlantic by Thrice
It's 3am and I have to work at 10:30. Yet here I am, awake and unable to sleep. I tried to but I just laid there, every time I closed my eyes my thoughts just flooded my head. Thoughts I try to ignore, try to pretend don't exist, but I know they're there. Waiting for me to fall asleep, to invade my dreams and to show me things I have known true for very long now yet continue to suspend. They are as sure as the sunrise but I still put my hands over my eyes and convince my self it isn't so. People often talk about the truth, about how important it is to be honest. I've done spoken of it often my self, yet I have very hypocritical in this area. I hate the truth. It's painful, ugly, and disenchanting. It has often destroyed what little hope I cling to.
There has become this ebb and flow to my mind now. There are days where it seems like these painful thoughts don't just wait till the cover of night to attack, but assault me through out the day. My only defense is to drown them out with music and even then, certain songs have become trigger points for certain thoughts. I don't know what's wrong with me but it feels like I've been losing my grip. I've been blacking out, as in I won't remember what I've been doing just minutes before. I was taking a shower and I found my self kneeling with my head against the wall. When I got out 45 mins had past. I don't even know how I got into that position of why I would be sitting there like that. Another instance was on one of my night walks. Often times when we travel places we zone out and let our body's go on auto pilot such as when we're driving, we are conscious yet not truly there mentally. I was walking to Albertson's and pick up some food. After I got it as I headed back I just blanked and I found my self out in the marsh by UCI between Jamboree and University. I had to stop my self and sit down for a min to gather what had just happened. I had to think about what I was doing and why. I came to the conclusion that I must have been headed to one location, the only one that I knew was down that road. Vanguard University. I had to laugh at my self.
It's funny, I've always had this question of just how long it would take to me to go from Grey havens to Vanguard. But that just leads to the bigger question of "what if I had done X or Y? Would that have saved the relationship?" Most likely not. And the reason why just leads back to these nightmares. The truths in which why I couldn't save the relationship. I know all this, yet I still fight, I still pretend.
I believe it's because there are so many facets of it that I still haven't dealt with. Especially the most recent revelation of why it ended. I always had a suspicion of why it happened but my heart didn't want to listen to my brain. For years I litterally, I waited for an answer. It wasn't until I saw her a month ago was it confirmed. It was so surreal. I still can't believe if the whole meeting was even real. And this whole wedding thing. Bleh. I won't even go into how much denial I am in that. It's funny how I know she has a myspace and I'm tempted to look at it but the last time I did I nearly flipped out. Some of those pics just pissed me off.
I could probably continue to rant on this but my bed is calling.
My heart aches and my mind is unraveling yet I continue to live.
Good night and sweet dreams.
Is all that we've known, could it be you're really here
'cause my eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me
But things can't be as they seem, I'm so far from home
This must be another dream, but my eyes are open
And everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me
My eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me
~Atlantic by Thrice
It's 3am and I have to work at 10:30. Yet here I am, awake and unable to sleep. I tried to but I just laid there, every time I closed my eyes my thoughts just flooded my head. Thoughts I try to ignore, try to pretend don't exist, but I know they're there. Waiting for me to fall asleep, to invade my dreams and to show me things I have known true for very long now yet continue to suspend. They are as sure as the sunrise but I still put my hands over my eyes and convince my self it isn't so. People often talk about the truth, about how important it is to be honest. I've done spoken of it often my self, yet I have very hypocritical in this area. I hate the truth. It's painful, ugly, and disenchanting. It has often destroyed what little hope I cling to.
There has become this ebb and flow to my mind now. There are days where it seems like these painful thoughts don't just wait till the cover of night to attack, but assault me through out the day. My only defense is to drown them out with music and even then, certain songs have become trigger points for certain thoughts. I don't know what's wrong with me but it feels like I've been losing my grip. I've been blacking out, as in I won't remember what I've been doing just minutes before. I was taking a shower and I found my self kneeling with my head against the wall. When I got out 45 mins had past. I don't even know how I got into that position of why I would be sitting there like that. Another instance was on one of my night walks. Often times when we travel places we zone out and let our body's go on auto pilot such as when we're driving, we are conscious yet not truly there mentally. I was walking to Albertson's and pick up some food. After I got it as I headed back I just blanked and I found my self out in the marsh by UCI between Jamboree and University. I had to stop my self and sit down for a min to gather what had just happened. I had to think about what I was doing and why. I came to the conclusion that I must have been headed to one location, the only one that I knew was down that road. Vanguard University. I had to laugh at my self.
It's funny, I've always had this question of just how long it would take to me to go from Grey havens to Vanguard. But that just leads to the bigger question of "what if I had done X or Y? Would that have saved the relationship?" Most likely not. And the reason why just leads back to these nightmares. The truths in which why I couldn't save the relationship. I know all this, yet I still fight, I still pretend.
I believe it's because there are so many facets of it that I still haven't dealt with. Especially the most recent revelation of why it ended. I always had a suspicion of why it happened but my heart didn't want to listen to my brain. For years I litterally, I waited for an answer. It wasn't until I saw her a month ago was it confirmed. It was so surreal. I still can't believe if the whole meeting was even real. And this whole wedding thing. Bleh. I won't even go into how much denial I am in that. It's funny how I know she has a myspace and I'm tempted to look at it but the last time I did I nearly flipped out. Some of those pics just pissed me off.
I could probably continue to rant on this but my bed is calling.
My heart aches and my mind is unraveling yet I continue to live.
Good night and sweet dreams.
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