Scars

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
-Scars by Papa Roach


This past week has been crazy.

Monday:
I took Amanda out to dinner to macaroni Grill for her 21st birthday. She ordered an Apple Martini and shared some with me. It was good. We were pretty full but I told the waiter it was her birthday and we got a big fudge brownie. I ended up eating 2/3 of it. It was so good and how can any man turn down a girl feeding him calorie loaded chocolate.

After words we went to my dad's house and we took around the lake at midnight. It's always amazing just how much of the night sky you can see in RSM. We took pictures and had a great time walking around. After words we went back to my place and talked till 3am before I took her back home. It was great. We even messed with Duncans mind on AIM sending pictures. He took it a bit hard but it's all good now.

Tuesday:
I slept the entire day. And skipped class to listen to the Sharks/Ducks game. Sharks got spanked 5-0. Looks like it was God's way of telling me GO TO CLASS.

Wedensday:
I went out to Lunch with Jimmy to In-N-Out. Afterwords we went down to SouthCoast to see if there was anything we might want to buy on Black Friday, nothing really caught our eyes. We also drove around trying to find Jimmy a set of receiver gloves but we couldn't find anything for a good price. That night we went out to dinner with the Kr3w at Olive Garden, it was nice.

San Jose won 6-3 over the Kings

Thursday:
I went to my mom's house to watch football and have dinner with her. The Cowboys destroyed the Bucs 38-10. Tony Romo is a stud and Vanderjagt definitely looked shakey, surly enough the Cowboys cut him a few days. He's the most accurate kicker in the history of the NFL yet some how he's lost his touch. We'll see how this change in kicker works for the Cowboys. I have a bad feeling about this.

Dinner went well. My mom ordered a whole dinner from Ralphs, the turkey was excellent and the stuffing was really good too. It was a nice dinner and we even chatted a bit.

Friday/Saturday:
I was supposed to wake up early to pick up Jimmy so we could do some Black Friday Shopping. I ended up waking up a half hour after I was supposed to pick him up. We went to Tustin Market Place and I ended up doing all the shopping. My mom gave me 300$ for Christmas (she didn't mention anything about my birthday so I'm hoping to get some more for that). Here's what I bought:

cds:
Papa Roach
New Found Glory
Aqua Bats

calendars:
Cowboys
Playboy artwork by Olivia
(*sidenote: I'm taking some drawing classes next semester and I want to learn to draw like her. 50's sex appeal = the best)

books:
History of the Templars
Playboy, December Issue

clothes:
2 Skin Ind. Shirts
1 Black hoodie

games:
Command and Conquer the first decade. It's a collection of all the C&C games.

The first computer game I ever played was C&C and the first one I owned was C&C Red Alert. It's interesting to note that I got my computer in 7th grade, my first year of honors. I failed miserably, I remember waking up one morning after putting off my paper for a week. And instead of trying to do it in the couple of hours before school I opted to play Red Alert. It wasn't that I didn't want to do my paper or that I was lazy, but my parents divorce had started to break apart and they would fight nightly. Putting on my headphones and playing Red Alert blocked that out. After the divorce I was angry and I had always been closer to my dad. I was forced to live with my mom and I drove my self more and more into video games. It was an easy way for me to take it out on digital soldiers. I shouldn't have even passed the 8th grade. I never did any homework or assignments. I only got by because of my luck with tests. I've always just been good at taking tests with little to no preparation. I'm just good at cramming as proven last week when I read my notes 20 mins before my psychology test and got a 98%. It's rare when I don't do well on a test yet it is common to see me get 0 on homework and papers. Mostly because the home environment has never been a good place for me to do school related activities. It's just too stressful and the only thing I feel comfortable doing is playing video games.


After the shopping the guys came over to my house and we played gamecube. Elizabeth called that night to Invite Jimmy +1 to the USC game, she had spare tickets. Jimmy asked me but for some reason I didn't feel right about it. So instead he asked Adi. We stayed up late playing video games and I took Jimmy back in the afternoon so he and Adi could go to the USC game. Duncan and Collin left after the game and I cleaned up the house.

Sunday:
Watched football all day and walked around the lake.

Monday:
Went out to dinner with Amanda again at midnight and came back to my house where we talked till sunrise.

I realized that I will never truly be 100% over Lori. She's always going to have a part of my heart. I told her I loved her and even if we don't talk any more there is still a part of me that does. It's been over 2 years since we broke up (Nov 14) but I still think about her. When I go out on walks I remember parking her car out side my house late at night and just holding each other. When I go past UNI I think of marching band and when we used to go to school at 6am to meet each other and hold each other in the early morning fog. Even here in my dads house I think of when we would go in the Spa or when we rented Friday the 13th and watched it on Valentines day. I have so many memories of her, of us. For me to just pretend it all means nothing would be lying to my self. It did mean something and it still does. I may never see her again or even talk to her. But what happened between us forever changed me. Amanda asked me if I got a new girlfriend if I would feel different about Lori and how I would handle the new relationship. I honestly don't know. I do want have a new relationship but at the same time I'm not sure how much I can move forward with Lori still in my rear view mirror. I still hold out an ounce of hope for us to be reunited.

Tuesday:
Sharks won 2-0 over the Blues. Sharks are finally starting to play up to the level I expect from them. Hopefully they can keep it up.


Memories:

A Town Called Hypocrisy

Can you take this broken boy?
And put the pieces back as one?
Though he has all of his toys...
He is never having fun

Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
We are giving up
We are moving on
Because its not enough
We were growing up
We are giving up
And I won't hear what you say so...

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy



Can you take this lonely girl?
I pick her up from off the ground
'cause theres no pride, to be found
When you follow sheep around
And no future here, no future
For us in this town

Because it's not enough
Now we're growing up
We are giving up
We are moving on
Because its not enough
We were growing up
We are giving up
And I won't hear what you say so...

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

-A Town Called Hypocrisy by The LostProphets


So it's been awhile since my last update.

The Sharks and Cowboys have been winning. HOORAY.

My dad left for Sweden so I have the house for a couple of weeks.

I got a hair cut. It certainly is different.

I got a couple of books that I've been reading. One book is Sleeping With the Devil. It describes how the Saudi's basically own America. The other book is called the Progress Paradox which breaks down that even though life in America is vastly improved over the past several decades, we are not happier. Depression, suicide, divorce, etc etc are all on the rise. In other words, materials =/= happiness. God Bless America.

School has been surreal. On Tuesday as I was biking into the school parking lot I saw cops standing around a grey sedan with a tarp over it. The cops were tapping the area over. I later found out that a student had either committed suicide or had a medical condition (they are leaning towards suicide but won't release the details) which resulted in his death. The cops said there was no foul play. The kid, a 21 year old male, was found by his father that morning. He hadn't gone home the previous night and his father knew he had class in the morning and came searching for him. A girl I talked to who said that the spot he had parked in was her usual spot and she drove by him and noticed him sitting in the car with his windows down. After she realized that she had been looking at a dead body she broke down. But of course the school played it off, trying to make it as small of a deal as possible.

This was the second time I had been at a college where some one committed suicide and the second time I felt the school mishandled the situation. I've said this before and have ranted this so many times to several people. We are failing as a society. There are so many things wrong with us. From out government to our schools to our parents, everything is wrong. Yet some how we stay afloat. It catches up to us every once and a while. A soldier is killed in Iraq, a student commits suicide, a innocent bystanders is killed in a gang shoot out. It seems as though these have become common place and we as a society are content to sit on our hands. I feel like these problems can be stopped, yet few are taking steps to make that happen. Instead we sit in our SUVs with out plastic wives waving the American flag.

(Side story: I was with my dad this past weekend and we went to get some clothes from the dry cleaners. My dad likes to park in the far back to avoid being hit by some dumb ass who can't park. So we park in the far back and there's a black Expedition with some mom who's got these huge fake tits in the driver seat. This guy comes around from the passenger side and they start messing around. As we walk past their SUV we notice the "God Bless America" sticker and the "Support our Fire Fighters" sticker. My dad then turns to me and says 10 bucks says that guy isn't her husband and he's just fucking her. I took the bet and as we came from the cleaners they were still there. The guy had his head between her tits while she was laughing. My dad then said look at their hands. She had a ring, he didn't. I argued that wasn't enough evidence. My dad then pointed out that
A) she had been driving so it's probably not his car
B) fake tits and SUV are probably from her husband to compensate for their shitty relationship
B) the guy doesn't look like a fire fighter, my dad worked with fire fighters for 15 years, they all look the same and he didn't have the look

I still wasn't convinced. As my dad turned on the car and I rolled down the windows her cell phone went off. She told the guy to be quiet and answered the phone "Hi Honey". I shouldn't have taken that bet)

I've been working on my writings, so many stories, so little time. I'm going to make an effort this coming week to play less video games and finish a few stories. I'll try to post one on here.

I've been ranting a lot the past week. The 14th came and went. The day it self didn't bother me but I've been on edge since then. I keep thinking about calling her, but I don't and I probably won't.

Speaking of girls. I've also been spending a lot of time thinking about all the girls I've ever been interested in. It's an eclectic group. They have little to nothing in common. From blondes/brunettes, tall/short, you name it. I've been criticized for my selection in women and recently I my self have been wondering just what is up with my selection. I'll admit, to the average joe, they aren't "OMG HOT" but to me they are. I guess I see something that most guys would miss. At the same time I know that they aren't exactly perfect and I've wondered if any of them is the entire package in which I seek. While I've pondered that I concluded the simple fact is that I'm not with any of them and I'm not going to be with any of them. For one reason or another, it just won't work out. So I've been looking for reasons to forget them and start over. So far, I think I've had some success.

I've never been happy single and these past few years have been hard but I think I'm finally coming around. My goal in life has always been to have a wife and kids but I realize that I may not reach that and instead should set something more reasonable as my goal. So here it is.

I want to live tomorrow and every day after that.


I had a nightmare yesterday that I had to save everyone I knew from a sinister bio lab. I've always felt the need to help people yet I realize how little I can do and I get so frustrated I rather just destroy the whole world. There are so many people that need help all around me, yet no one else will reach out to them and they themselves won't even ask for help. I just want to end it, end all the pain and suffering, if it means working through and solving the problems or if it means bringing a beautiful oblivion to this world. I just want it to stop.



Is this the answer? I fear that in our current direction, it will be.

I hope you voted!

ultppb (5:25:38 PM): speaking of voting
ultppb (5:25:44 PM): duncan asked me if we were voting for the president today

Well I finished presenting all my presentations, I'm so glad to get those over with. With the majority of my class points now in, I can relax a little more for the next couple of weeks and will have lots of time to finish some small side projects I had in mind. Hooray for free time!

My speech on 9/11 actually got a pretty good responce. I only got a few negative comments, but for the most part was met with open eyes.

My speech on father/daughter relationships actually touched on a what I had a feeling would be a sensitive topic in the class, but turned out be even more sensitive. At the end of my speech my teacher asked the women in the class how many have a good relationship with their father, 0 raised their hands. It only makes sense, women who have a poor relationship with their father are far greater to have sexual relations. From the speeches I've heard the girls in the class give so far, I can't help but get upset. One of my most important goals in life is to be a good father, yet I see these girls who have had horrible fathers and it only results in poor choices and dealings with less than reputable men. It's truly disheartening to see the corrosion of good parenting in America. If you are a female and have had a great relationship with your father please tell him. Studies show that a good relationship doesn't just help the girl but it improves the fathers quality of life as well, it's important you tell them they are doing a good job.

Speaking of dads, my dad is leaving for Sweden the 17th and people have been asking me about a poker party. So if you want to come on down to my dad's house we will be having a poker party, please notify me in advance so I can consider how much food stuff will be needed.

Cowboys lost in the most heartbreaking way. I don't even want to talk about it.

Sharks have won 2 in a row to improve to 11-5. 4 game road trip including LA twice and Phoenix. I'm expecting at least 6 points from this trip.

Here's a picture from my ballot




And lastly I'd like to leave you with this




My love goes out to all the women out there