The day after
No song today. I don't think there's a song that can put it into focus.
The wedding was yesterday. It's 5:30am right now and I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'll attempt to put them into some sort of order or something. I don't know.
Dreams
My dreams have pretty much been nightmares. I dream a lot, in fact I dream just about every night and can remember a lot of details about the dreams. It seems as this day has approached my dreams have become even more intense, more real not just how vivid they are but also in how they have actually predicted real life events. I'm not just talking about Deja Vu either. As in major events like pregnancy. These dreams have burned them selves upon my brain and often are what I think about when I'm awake. I just can't shake them. Tonight, I tired going to sleep and just laid there, fearing my nightmares.
Thoughts/Feelings
Well I have a lot obviously but there are few prevailing ones.
1. I'm really pissed. Those who know me, know that I don't get mad often. I get annoyed, maybe pissed but never really mad. In fact maybe only a few people have ever seen me truly mad. But this whole thing stinks (that's the G version). Here's what I'm really thinking:
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I FUCKING HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. IF I EVER SEE YOUR FUCK FACE I WILL FUCKING BASH IT WITH THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT. THEN I WILL BEAT YOU TILL MY FUCKING KNUCKLES ARE BLOODY. I DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AS LONG AS YOU GET A BEATING YOU NEVER FORGET.
That's an abbreviated version of some of the diatribes that go on in my head. You have no idea just how much pain I sometimes wish to inflict upon this guy. I've only ever met him once and I pray to God I never meet him again because I know I will beat this shit out of him till there is no tomorrow if I do ever see him again. Now before, when I knew he was dating her, I was some what annoyed. Then as time passed and I realized the relationship was more permanent it began to really rub me wrong. And then I found out they were getting married and that's when I got angry. And then on top of that, I found out about why she's marrying him, why she started dating him, what he did, what he said and basically just what kind of person he is. And thats when I became mad. And by mad i mean absolutely fucking pissed. Often I just want to explode and yell at someone, but I have to remind my self that they aren't him.
2. I'm really sad. Yea, I'm aware that if you read this blog you probably already think I'm some emo kid. Yes, I do get really emotional but I do think I have some license here to be this way. Tonight all I've been thinking about is how they are going off on their honeymoon to fucking Spain. The idea of what they will be doing, and all this shit, to put it simply, it fucking sucks cause since I still have this link to her, I feel like I'm getting shafted in some way and also with the way my mind works, it's all visual. So it's pretty fucking shit to have this fucking visual image looping in your fucking brain. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Fuck this.
sghsdgfasgsbgvafksd'
I need sleeping pills... Lots of them.
The wedding was yesterday. It's 5:30am right now and I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'll attempt to put them into some sort of order or something. I don't know.
Dreams
My dreams have pretty much been nightmares. I dream a lot, in fact I dream just about every night and can remember a lot of details about the dreams. It seems as this day has approached my dreams have become even more intense, more real not just how vivid they are but also in how they have actually predicted real life events. I'm not just talking about Deja Vu either. As in major events like pregnancy. These dreams have burned them selves upon my brain and often are what I think about when I'm awake. I just can't shake them. Tonight, I tired going to sleep and just laid there, fearing my nightmares.
Thoughts/Feelings
Well I have a lot obviously but there are few prevailing ones.
1. I'm really pissed. Those who know me, know that I don't get mad often. I get annoyed, maybe pissed but never really mad. In fact maybe only a few people have ever seen me truly mad. But this whole thing stinks (that's the G version). Here's what I'm really thinking:
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I FUCKING HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. IF I EVER SEE YOUR FUCK FACE I WILL FUCKING BASH IT WITH THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT. THEN I WILL BEAT YOU TILL MY FUCKING KNUCKLES ARE BLOODY. I DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AS LONG AS YOU GET A BEATING YOU NEVER FORGET.
That's an abbreviated version of some of the diatribes that go on in my head. You have no idea just how much pain I sometimes wish to inflict upon this guy. I've only ever met him once and I pray to God I never meet him again because I know I will beat this shit out of him till there is no tomorrow if I do ever see him again. Now before, when I knew he was dating her, I was some what annoyed. Then as time passed and I realized the relationship was more permanent it began to really rub me wrong. And then I found out they were getting married and that's when I got angry. And then on top of that, I found out about why she's marrying him, why she started dating him, what he did, what he said and basically just what kind of person he is. And thats when I became mad. And by mad i mean absolutely fucking pissed. Often I just want to explode and yell at someone, but I have to remind my self that they aren't him.
2. I'm really sad. Yea, I'm aware that if you read this blog you probably already think I'm some emo kid. Yes, I do get really emotional but I do think I have some license here to be this way. Tonight all I've been thinking about is how they are going off on their honeymoon to fucking Spain. The idea of what they will be doing, and all this shit, to put it simply, it fucking sucks cause since I still have this link to her, I feel like I'm getting shafted in some way and also with the way my mind works, it's all visual. So it's pretty fucking shit to have this fucking visual image looping in your fucking brain. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Fuck this.
sghsdgfasgsbgvafksd'
I need sleeping pills... Lots of them.
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