Atlantic

It's been so long, and tin cans and string for years
Is all that we've known, could it be you're really here

'cause my eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me

But things can't be as they seem, I'm so far from home
This must be another dream, but my eyes are open

And everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me

My eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion,
Breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea
Oceans of light envelop me

~Atlantic by Thrice




It's 3am and I have to work at 10:30. Yet here I am, awake and unable to sleep. I tried to but I just laid there, every time I closed my eyes my thoughts just flooded my head. Thoughts I try to ignore, try to pretend don't exist, but I know they're there. Waiting for me to fall asleep, to invade my dreams and to show me things I have known true for very long now yet continue to suspend. They are as sure as the sunrise but I still put my hands over my eyes and convince my self it isn't so. People often talk about the truth, about how important it is to be honest. I've done spoken of it often my self, yet I have very hypocritical in this area. I hate the truth. It's painful, ugly, and disenchanting. It has often destroyed what little hope I cling to.

There has become this ebb and flow to my mind now. There are days where it seems like these painful thoughts don't just wait till the cover of night to attack, but assault me through out the day. My only defense is to drown them out with music and even then, certain songs have become trigger points for certain thoughts. I don't know what's wrong with me but it feels like I've been losing my grip. I've been blacking out, as in I won't remember what I've been doing just minutes before. I was taking a shower and I found my self kneeling with my head against the wall. When I got out 45 mins had past. I don't even know how I got into that position of why I would be sitting there like that. Another instance was on one of my night walks. Often times when we travel places we zone out and let our body's go on auto pilot such as when we're driving, we are conscious yet not truly there mentally. I was walking to Albertson's and pick up some food. After I got it as I headed back I just blanked and I found my self out in the marsh by UCI between Jamboree and University. I had to stop my self and sit down for a min to gather what had just happened. I had to think about what I was doing and why. I came to the conclusion that I must have been headed to one location, the only one that I knew was down that road. Vanguard University. I had to laugh at my self.

It's funny, I've always had this question of just how long it would take to me to go from Grey havens to Vanguard. But that just leads to the bigger question of "what if I had done X or Y? Would that have saved the relationship?" Most likely not. And the reason why just leads back to these nightmares. The truths in which why I couldn't save the relationship. I know all this, yet I still fight, I still pretend.

I believe it's because there are so many facets of it that I still haven't dealt with. Especially the most recent revelation of why it ended. I always had a suspicion of why it happened but my heart didn't want to listen to my brain. For years I litterally, I waited for an answer. It wasn't until I saw her a month ago was it confirmed. It was so surreal. I still can't believe if the whole meeting was even real. And this whole wedding thing. Bleh. I won't even go into how much denial I am in that. It's funny how I know she has a myspace and I'm tempted to look at it but the last time I did I nearly flipped out. Some of those pics just pissed me off.

I could probably continue to rant on this but my bed is calling.


My heart aches and my mind is unraveling yet I continue to live.




Good night and sweet dreams.

Maybe This Time

Having spent your entire life
Exactly where you are tonight
In the valley between intent and deed,

You must have mastered this,
The fragile art of a good excuse,
The little things that get you to believe.
That get you to believe.

So listen, I'm not trying to prove anything at all here,
But don't you think that maybe, this time, you were wrong?

You've spent your entire life quick-tongued and always right.
Hasn't being right just let you down?
Right just lets you down.

So listen, I'm not trying to say anything at all here.
There isn't much left, anyway, that hasn't been said.
But don't you think that possibly, this time, it's different?
Don't you think that maybe, this time, you were wrong?

-Maybe This Time by Ok Go



It's funny when I take a step back and look at some of the choices I make. They make my life interesting in both a good and bad way. *shrug* We'll see how my recent set of choices will play out.

It's 5:30am. I'm still having a hard time going to sleep. Damn nightmares.

I find it funny how the NFL, MLB, NBA all have major scandals going on right now. The NHL has it's own problem with the commissioner possibly interfering in the selling of Nashville, but no one really cares, it's Nashville. So GO NHL! and GO SHARKS!

Girls Girls Girls. I wonder what life would have been like if I had gone through with a decision so many years ago. It's interesting to think about it.

Work has been really bleh. So many problems. Oh well, as long as I make money and none of that crap gets on me then I'm OK, but I feel bad for all my co-workers.


Time for bed

Good Night & Sweet Dreams





Also I realized, it's not LEAD
It's LEAST
As in everything else is the LEAST of my problems.

The day after

No song today. I don't think there's a song that can put it into focus.

The wedding was yesterday. It's 5:30am right now and I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'll attempt to put them into some sort of order or something. I don't know.

Dreams

My dreams have pretty much been nightmares. I dream a lot, in fact I dream just about every night and can remember a lot of details about the dreams. It seems as this day has approached my dreams have become even more intense, more real not just how vivid they are but also in how they have actually predicted real life events. I'm not just talking about Deja Vu either. As in major events like pregnancy. These dreams have burned them selves upon my brain and often are what I think about when I'm awake. I just can't shake them. Tonight, I tired going to sleep and just laid there, fearing my nightmares.

Thoughts/Feelings

Well I have a lot obviously but there are few prevailing ones.

1. I'm really pissed. Those who know me, know that I don't get mad often. I get annoyed, maybe pissed but never really mad. In fact maybe only a few people have ever seen me truly mad. But this whole thing stinks (that's the G version). Here's what I'm really thinking:

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I FUCKING HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. IF I EVER SEE YOUR FUCK FACE I WILL FUCKING BASH IT WITH THE NEAREST BLUNT OBJECT. THEN I WILL BEAT YOU TILL MY FUCKING KNUCKLES ARE BLOODY. I DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME AS LONG AS YOU GET A BEATING YOU NEVER FORGET.

That's an abbreviated version of some of the diatribes that go on in my head. You have no idea just how much pain I sometimes wish to inflict upon this guy. I've only ever met him once and I pray to God I never meet him again because I know I will beat this shit out of him till there is no tomorrow if I do ever see him again. Now before, when I knew he was dating her, I was some what annoyed. Then as time passed and I realized the relationship was more permanent it began to really rub me wrong. And then I found out they were getting married and that's when I got angry. And then on top of that, I found out about why she's marrying him, why she started dating him, what he did, what he said and basically just what kind of person he is. And thats when I became mad. And by mad i mean absolutely fucking pissed. Often I just want to explode and yell at someone, but I have to remind my self that they aren't him.


2. I'm really sad. Yea, I'm aware that if you read this blog you probably already think I'm some emo kid. Yes, I do get really emotional but I do think I have some license here to be this way. Tonight all I've been thinking about is how they are going off on their honeymoon to fucking Spain. The idea of what they will be doing, and all this shit, to put it simply, it fucking sucks cause since I still have this link to her, I feel like I'm getting shafted in some way and also with the way my mind works, it's all visual. So it's pretty fucking shit to have this fucking visual image looping in your fucking brain. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



Fuck this.



sghsdgfasgsbgvafksd'




I need sleeping pills... Lots of them.